Surviving
by Karussell
Summary: Surviving : They were safe. Together. : The Gaang
1. Daybreak

**Surviving (Daybreak)**

[100 AG]

[The Fire Nation Royal Palace]

The bed they shared had been his.

A moment ago.

A lifetime ago.

It had swallowed him whole in quiet nights, he'd drowned in seas of red fabrics when jolting awake, heart pounding, his mind still clouded by nightmares, and the shadows in the corners of his room had watched on without reaching out as the shadows in his head had threatened to consume him after Ba Sing Se.

But Toph was curled into his side now, so damn tiny.

And Aang was draped over his legs, shaking still.

Sokka's bony elbow dug into his ribs, Katara sniffled quietly, the blanket rustled when Suki turned over again and again and again until one of the siblings wrapped their arms around her.

And all of them could have died in so many different ways today.

And all of them were alive.

They were safe.

Together.

And for the first time in a long time, he could breathe properly.

His chest ached and the heart beating in it bled for the girl who'd always been off, just a little, who'd always known who to be to get what she wanted and how to act to be seen, who'd finally cracked under all the pressure that had destroyed him long ago, not because she was his sister, but because he could remember all too clearly how it had felt to have the rug pulled out from under him.

To be in free fall and fall and fall and fall.

And he'd stumbled over so many folds before starting to fall.

He doubted she ever had.

He wondered if there was still a chance for her to pick herself up again.

Toph tugged on his hand and snuggled closer, so he tightened his hold on her.

Her hair tickled his nose.

Agni, why did she have to be so small?

Why did Aang have to feel so light, so barely there at all?

Who'd thought it fair to have these children fight a war?

Sokka moved and his elbow left Zuko's ribs.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed since they had dragged themselves to his room, Katara and him, wasn't sure when the others had found them, Aang on Sokka's back, Toph on Suki's hand, all of them dead on their feet, but _not dead_, and the Fire Lord was no more, would never be again, and Aang had started sobbing when Sokka put him down.

And he tried to find it in himself to care, when the boy started apologizing, in between hiccups and sobs, care about the death of a man who had been his father, had burned his face, would never have loved him, never did love him, and maybe it was because he had watched his sister break into pieces just hours ago, had taken a lightning to his chest and almost died today, maybe he was just too tired too properly process what Sokka had said, what Aang was crying, but all he did care about was this tiny little boy, shaking and whimpering and forced to do what nobody ever should've expected of him, and all he could think was that none of this was fair.

But then, nothing ever had been.

He sighed quietly.

Then closed his eyes.

The bedsheets rustled.


	2. Love

**Surviving (Love)**

[100 AG]

[The Fire Nation Royal Palace]

She looked like the child she was supposed to be, drooling into her pillow like she would never admit to doing, clutching her blankets to her chest, and for a moment, he thought about sitting down on the bed's edge, felt the urge to brush a crookedly cut strand of hair behind her ear like their mother used to do, but there was no forgetting who she was, what she had done, no matter how innocent she looked, how heavily sedated the guards outside had assured him she was, not just yet, and so he didn't step any closer.

"I sometimes wonder", he said quietly, to nobody and the world at large, Azula, himself and maybe a nosy guardsman with an ear pressed to the door, "how things had been had Lu Ten not died. Had Uncle taken the throne after Fire Lord Azulon's death. Had you not eavesdropped on Father and him. I wondered if the world would've been better off without me. If I had been better of dead. You seem to think so, at least. I know Father did."

He sighed.

"And I never wanted anything to happen to you, y'know? Not until the very end. I was willing to do what was necessary to end this war. I was willing to ... I was willing to end _you_, but ... I didn't ... I didn't _want to_. I didn't want it to come to this, because I ... I loved you."

And then he took a step.

"I love you. I do. And I hate that so much, that I can look at you and know what you did, to me and my friends, to your friends - Agni, I can only guess what happened to Mai and Ty Lee after the Boiling Rock -, and still all I can think is that you are my sister. My little sister. And I remember sneaking around the palace with you and being proud when you started firebending, playing fetch and hide and seek and ... I can't help but love that little girl who nobody looked out for."

She shifted in her sleep.

"If Lu Ten hadn't died, I wouldn't have been burned. Had I still been burned, nobody would've followed me into banishment, because Uncle would've still been leading the Siege of Ba Sing Se. And what would've become of me then ... But it's useless to think about that, isn't it? The spirits don't care about what-ifs. Neither do the people. Nobody cares what would've happened had Aang not run away. Because it didn't. I got banished. And you tried to kill me. And I can't hate you."

He reached out and pulled the blanket over her shoulders.

"And I hate that."


	3. Numb

**Surviving (Numb)**

[100 AG]

[The Fire Nation Royal Palace]

When the world got quiet and nobody tugged on his sleeve and nobody hid behind him and nobody hugged him close, when nobody needed him and he needed to be nobody, when he remembered that only a year ago he'd never left his home before and still had known nothing but war and now the war was over, he closed his eyes and breathed in deeply and everything that he wasn't allowed to feel all day threatened to overwhelm him.

Because during the day, he wasn't just Sokka.

He was Sokka of the Southern Water Tribe, Son of Chief Hakoda, Representative of his People, Hero of Wulong, and the palace staff whispered behind his back, nobody trusted them here, peasants, barbarians, the enemy, and Aang wouldn't smile and Toph was too quiet and Katara didn't seem to be hearing anything and Suki didn't talk, either, and Zuko's arm wrapped around his chest a little too often to believe him when he said he felt fine, so somebody had to keep it together, them together.

He hadn't quite been Sokka for a while now, he mused and turned his head to see the waning moon, almost smiling when he thought of Yue, but then Suki mumbled something in her sleep and buried herself deeper into his chest and he kissed her head instead.

He was tired, most of the time and right this moment, had been for months now, and he was terrified still, to wake up and realize nothing of this had been real, and whenever he looked at his friends, at his family, pure elation floaded his whole body, because they were finally, finally safe, and then, sometimes, there was nothing at all in him, just darkness in his veins and hollowness in his chest and sluggish thoughts stumbling through his head.

When he remembered Toph slipping from his grip.

And how scared he had been to never see Suki agian.

When he remembered seeing Aang in a heap on the ground next to the unmoving Fire Lord.

Or finding Zuko with a new scar on his chest.

Katara had smiled at him, wobbly and teary-eyed.

And they all had cried once Aang had started.

The people whispered about them all staying in Zuko's room, young women and men, two children between them, nobody married, from different nations, they didn't like them sharing a bed and maybe Sokka would've whispered with them, months ago, but now he couldn't bare the thought of not being close when one of them rose from a nightmare, being away from them when they could need him, and he was scared of that, having to seperate.

Because they would have to, at some point.

Zuko would stay here, a prince once more.

Suki had to get her warriors back to Kyoshi Island as soon as they were freed.

The South Pole needed Katara and him.

Toph missed her parents terribly.

He wasn't sure what Aang had in mind, and he doubted there was much of the future on his mind at all, but he knew there would be no need to convince Dad to take the boy in, if Aang decided he wanted to come home with them.

He hoped Aang would decide to come with them.

He wanted them all to.

But he knew that wouldn't happen.

He exhaled and looked at the moon again.


	4. Rejection

**Surviving (Rejection)**

[100 AG]

[The Fire Nation Royal Palace]

He sat at the edge of a small pond when she found him, a bare foot in the water, with Momo resting on his slumped shoulders and a turtle duck in his lap, and he didn't turn, didn't even lift his head, though he must've heard her, for he tensed when she came closer.

"Aang?"

His fingers ghosted over the turtle duck's head.

The animal pressed against his fingertips.

"Aang ... ?"

She stood behind him, unsure if she should sit down, if this was the right moment, if there would be one, and Momo looked up at her and Aang said: "What is it?"

His voice was flat.

Her heart hurt.

"I-"

She had planned a whole speech, in her head, over the past few days, when she lay awake at night, the moon too bright, her thoughts too loud, the palace too foreign, but now, when she looked at him, small and broken, the words refused to leave her mouth.

Wouldn't even form a sentence.

"I'm sorry."

"What for?", he mumbled.

"Not being honest sooner. 'cause I don't want to do this now, but now it can't wait anymore and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I should've ... We should've had a talk about this sooner. A real talk, not me beating around the bush and you ... not getting it."

"Oh."

He was still petting the turtle duck, but he lifted his chin.

"So, you're not confused anymore?"

"No."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't've kissed you. On Ember Island. Or ever, I guess. I don't think I'd make a very good boyfriend right now, anyway. A good anything. So it's alright."

"You're a good friend", she said and finally sat.

Momo climbed from his shoulder onto her head.

"Promise we'll always be friends?", he asked quietly.

"Of course."


	5. Stranger

**Surviving (Stranger)**

[100 AG]

[The Fire Nation Royal Palace]

They all moved like strangers.

Sokka's step had lost its bounce, his posture all its unconscious confidence, every step he took was deliberate and thought about beforehand, like Suki's and Zuko's usually were, who both now regularly stepped onto toes and bumped into other people and just straight up a wall, yesterday, and she still wasn't quite sure how Zuko'd managed that.

There was no effortless grace in the way Katara moved anymore, nothing that marked her clearly as the waterbender she was, she felt hunched over, like she was trying to make herself seem smaller, and Aang's shoulders were similarly slumped, his head always down, his steps way too heavy.

It felt somewhat wrong, calling him Twinkle Toes now.

She hadn't in days.

And she hoped all these changes were temporary, caused by the tiredness sitting deep in their bones, because nobody slept through the night if one of them couldn't sleep, and once they all managed to sleep a few hours without interruption, everything would be less slow, less heavy, less sluggish. Sokka would start to mistep again, not caring, and Zuko and Suki would stop, caring too much, Aang's toes would barely touch the ground and Katara would move like the water they were made of.

Everything would be fine.

Sooner or later.

Hopefully.


End file.
